Christian leaders can be hard on themselves. They hold themselves to a higher standard than others. They will cut people slack endlessly (sometimes too much slack) but expect themselves to get it right all the time. They will say things to themselves they would never say to anyone else. “You are lazy!” “I can’t believe you just did that!” “You idiot!” “How could you have [fill in the blank]?” Yet self-flagellation doesn’t get you very far in the long run. It takes a lot of energy, and yet it rarely leads to change.

In addition, if a key element of our faith is God’s grace, then why is there no grace for us? We can extend it to others, but we somehow are excluded unless we perform and produce.

Years ago, I took an assessment which suggested I was a perfectionist. I took it in the car on a long family trip. I said to my family (including two teenagers), “I’m not a perfectionist!” They said, “Of course you are a perfectionist!” I said, “I thought I just had high standards!” It became a moment of truth (not to mention some laughter at myself), and the beginning of a journey of self-discovery—and a quest to lighten up with myself little by little.

Not all Christian leaders are perfectionists per se. Some are motivated by a desire to help, and the lack of grace toward themselves shows up when they don’t do as much for others as they think they should, or when they have to say no to someone. Then they beat themselves up for not being as kind, patient or helpful as they think they should be. Others are naturally strong leaders, and their self-criticism occurs when wider forces at work mean they can’t move their communities, people or programs along as quickly as they think they should be able to. The word “should” figures heavily: “I should do more.” “I should be more caring.” “I should make more of a difference.”

I’ve talked to numerous pastors through the last pandemic year who are exhausted, yet feel they should be doing more: more check-in contacts with church members, more video devotionals, more Zoom Bible studies, more creative worship, more attention to budget matters. On some level they know they are doing all they have energy for, yet the self-criticism continues.

The inner voice of self-judgment doesn’t come from nowhere. Frequently it is instilled in childhood, sometimes by verbal judgment or demands coming from parents or other important figures. Sometimes it’s imparted by unspoken but clearly communicated expectations for a certain level of responsibility, good behavior, or helpfulness. The child’s position in the family (oldest child, oldest daughter or son, or the child of a parent who is impaired in some way) also contributes. This can be reinforced by churches that focus on God’s judgment at the expense of God’s grace and love.

Moving from self-judgment to self-compassion is a long, slow process. It’s a deeply spiritual process. It begins with simply noticing the judgmental thoughts. Frequently they are so automatic you don’t even know you are having them. A lifetime of self-judgment doesn’t disappear in an instant. In times of high anxiety (like now) it’s easy to go backward.

Recently, as I embarked on a new and challenging project, I myself regressed. I found myself saying aloud for the first time in a long time, “You are so stupid!” At least I noticed it instantly. You can get in a double bind of judging yourself for judging yourself. That doesn’t help. Instead of thinking, “You are so stupid for saying you are so stupid!” I tried to soften my own heart toward myself and the way old habits persist and recur. On a better day, I can acknowledge these shifts take a lifetime.

Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. After you have a judgmental thought or say something about yourself, say or sing, “Jesus Loves Me.”
2. At the end of the day make a list of 5 things you did that day that you can celebrate.
3. Say to yourself, “I forgive you.”[i]
4. Find an image of a loving Jesus to put in your bedroom or office.
5. Try a brief meditative practice (just one or two minutes) to get used to staying still with your thoughts, positive and negative, and letting them go.

The purpose of any of these practices is to move toward greater spiritual and emotional freedom. Paradoxically, being hard on yourself doesn’t help you be a better leader, parent, partner, or Christian. Accepting yourself, showing compassion toward yourself, can help soften those parts of yourself that you would like to change or develop and leave room for shifts over time.

This is not an overnight fix. It may be a process of decades. That can be daunting, but in fact, it’s good news. You don’t have to get it “right” immediately (whatever “right” means in this context). The endeavor is simply to pay attention over time and notice what happens. Sometimes it can be useful to work with a spiritual director or guide.

Finally, Stephen Levine suggests this: “Healing is replacing our merciless reactions with a merciful response.”[ii] That is holy work.