Photo by Jed Owen on Unsplash

Pastoral care is an essential part of ministry. Individuals and families in the congregation are under our care. However, it’s easy for pastors to get sucked in doing more for people than is good for them—or for us.

As a pastor, I came to see my job as less to help people and more to help people grow. I started to ask myself the question, “What is in everyone’s best interest here?” Sometimes (not always) that meant doing less than my instincts said.

I was programmed to be helpful almost from the moment my younger brother was born. Those instincts instilled in me early can lead me to dive in and offer help. However, I’ve learned it can be better to wait and to ask questions. Sometimes it’s best to do nothing at all. 

Family systems thinking includes the idea of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. The basic idea is this: There’s a balance between those who take too much responsibility and those who don’t take enough. It’s not simply that those who don’t do anything are “irresponsible.” Instead, there’s a reciprocal relationship between the two parties. In some pastoral care (and other!) relationships, the overfunctioning/underfunctioning balance can go on for years. 

Some people connected with our church communities have real needs. They are resourceful about working out how to meet those needs, including thoughtfully getting support from others. Others have needs, real or imagined, and routinely depend on the pastor to help them. Individuals can be very skilled at getting others, including the pastor, to do things for them. Pastoral work requires discernment: What is the best thing for me to do in this situation? What is in everyone’s best interests here? Sometimes the answer is to do nothing. 

You do different things when you are trying to help others grow than when you are just helping them. Sometimes that means saying no to them.

If you are the only one in the congregation working to help people in the church meet their needs, you are overfunctioning. If you are working harder than the person who is asking for your help, you are overfunctioning.

What to do instead of continuing to overfunction:

-Be clear about what you will and won’t do. Think through your principles for responding to need. Remember, you don’t have to do as much for people as they want. Of course, in a crisis you may end up doing some things you don’t want to do, just for the short term. Some of that goes with the job.

-Before you respond, pray for discernment. In a non-emergency situation, you can say, “Let me think about this and get back to you.”

-Let go of any resentment and focus on your clarity. Remind yourself of your principles.

-Let go of the outcome, to the degree that you can. Some situations are beyond your ability to help. You can’t make up for all the injustice in our system. You can’t rescue everyone. In addition, people make their own decisions about their lives. You won’t always agree with what they do. Managing yourself in pastoral care means accepting these realities. 

Pastoral care offers challenges in discernment. At the same time, offering pastoral care is a privilege. It’s a meaningful part of ministry. It’s also a learning experience about where you end and other people begin.